Shame-resilience Theory

I completed the National Shame-Resilience Training in San Antonio, TX a few weeks ago with Dr. Brene' Brown and her Connections team. It was absolutely inspiring. I decided to move on with the training and reserved my spot at the March intensive. I also decided that I would make this a personal journey and not teach, counsel or lead any groups, workshops or classes based on this material until after the March intensive. Well, not surprisingly to those that know me, I changed my mind. I am currently teaching a Child and Adolescent Counseling graduate course and decided the shame-resilience info is too important not to share it. I'm like this though. I can't know something truly helpful and not share it. So, I created a PowerPoint lecture with a few experiential activities and gave my first full on shame lecture last Sunday. It was great. Exhausting - as teaching shame talk can be qualitatively different than teaching anything else I have ever taught - but certainly worth it. 

I look forward to sharing more about shame-resilience with parent groups and workshops in the Spring. If you are interested in attending a group or workshop with other parents, please email me at drkelli@effectiveparentingllc.com. For more information on shame visit www.brenebrown.com

Namaste'

Dr. Kelli

The Power of Vulnerability

Love me some Dr. Brene' Brown. I show this video in every graduate counseling course I teach and realized you all might enjoy it as much as my students.

It makes me think and I love to think.

Can we just be kind?

As parents we sometimes have to be tough. We have to stand firm when it comes to safety and respect. But, are we being respectful and kind most of the time? I witnessed a little girl being forced to ride a roller coaster last weekend. It made me sick - literally hot all over and then sick to stomach. I felt so sorry for the little girl, and yet I tried to put myself in the adult's shoes. I couldn't really understand why she was being so mean to the child, but I did try to generate some empathy. I too have been so frustrated with my child's behavior at times that I did not handle the situation with as much respect as I would have liked, but I cannot imagine being that disrespectful to a child. What in that woman's life is so awful that it makes sense to her to treat a child with such disrespect? Made me think. It also made me slightly more patient when my youngest child started throwing a fit later that day. 

I don't always have all the parenting answers (gasp!), but I do know this...if we want respectful, flourishing, kind young adults we must parent with kindness and respect while we model how to flourish in life. Not with perfection - just persistence! It is not our job to make everything perfect, but it is our job to help children own their own worth. Our behavior and our words need to create an environment that says to a child (or children) "you are enough." This life may be tough sometimes, but that's okay because you are enough.

Just be kind,

Dr. Kelli 

Peaceful Parent - 2 (Be Well)

10-3-10  - "Be Well"

 Beyond just the physical aspects of having a newborn – lack of sleep, biochemistry havoc, healing from a c-section – I was miserable. I knew I needed to do something to feel better, but I didn’t know where to start. The experience reminded me of a time I decided I wanted to wear a necklace I had loved when I was much younger. I went searching for the necklace to find it entangled with a bunch of other jewelry that hadn’t been worn in years. The jewelry was so entangled that I considered giving up. Where to even start with that mess? And did I really need to wear that necklace? Now it seemed my hormones and the rest of my body were a tangled up mess and I didn’t know where to begin. I started the same way you loosen jewels – patiently, gently, persistently.

Finding supportive health professionals has been a key component – although frustrating at times – to my overall wellbeing. I remember thinking, “it does not matter where you start, just start.” However, when you are miserable it is extremely difficult to “start”.  Western trained medical professionals tend to find many of us frustrating simply because all testing will yield nothing in terms of explaining our symptoms. The information provided in “within normal limits” sucks when you’re suffering. And while I am generally a fan of research – how many 4’ 11” females do you think they include in those studies to generate data regarding “normal limits”. I had to keep searching for the support I needed. My advice is that while the way to a peaceful existence is an inward journey – be persistent and thoughtful when building your support system. Your answers are within you, AND it can be very helpful to have a team of supportive folks helping you discover your own answers.

Namaste'

Dr. Kelli

Peaceful Parent - 1

I have considered writing "The Way of the Peaceful Parent' for several years now. I have a detailed outline for the manuscript and have some material on file. However, the book is a based on my own search for peace - and while I hope to have some end to the search I recognize that the way of the peaceful parent is a journey. Therefore, I have decided to begin blogging about the journey and not worry about an end (or a completed manuscript). 

I have decided to challenge myself with a weekly blog entry every Monday morning specifically addressing the journey towards peace. Peace of mind. Peaceful action and certainly peaceful parenting are the objectives. I'm not sure that anyone actually reads my blog. Perhaps a few friends graciously read the blog every now and again. This makes it somewhat easier (or at least appear safer) to write about the journey here. 

I remember sitting on the beach under an umbrella with my newborn sleeping peacefully while my husband and older son played in the water. I had this unbelievably anxious feeling. Intellectually I realized I should be relaxed and enjoying the beach. I used what cognitive therapy strategies I thought might help - change your thoughts and change your experience. Sounds easy right now. But at the time, I simply could not make myself enjoy the moment. I decided that day to actively work towards a peaceful existence. It is one thing to want to be a peaceful person. It is, at least in my mind, even more essential to be a peaceful parent. These babies are looking to us to guide them. I intend to guide them to the best of my ability. I understand that I will not be perfect. I accept that some days will be more challenging than others. I have come to realize I will often not have an answer. However, my goal is to reach for excellence not perfection. 

My children are now 8 and 5. I am on the peaceful parent journey. I get closer to where I want to be with each daily practice. I will share (and possibly explode) every Monday a small piece of the journey as it continues to unfold. I look forward to comments from others on their own journey.

Namaste'

Dr. Kelli